On May 13th Paul and I found out that he had an interview appointment at the U.S. Embassy in Uganda on June 16th to receive a visa for him to come to America and visit. After not seeing each other for 8 months you can imagine our excitement. We were thrilled that we were going to be able to see each other again. A few days later I checked the website again to see if there were any cancellations and there was one for May 28th so you better believe we jumped on that! The earlier the better, right?
Well, May 28th has come and gone and there is still no news on when Paul will be able to come to America and when we will be able to see each other again. There are so many things about the visa process that I don’t understand and there are so many things that don’t have any rhyme or reason to them, it’s all based on situational cases and politics. I’m not here to talk about that. I’m not here to rant about government. I’m thankful for government. I’m thankful for rules and guidelines and screenings and what not. Border control is not my soap box.
When I received the call from him at 6:10am Thursday morning telling me that he was denied the visa, emotions ran over my body that were so foreign and unwelcome. Paul and I could only quickly talk as he was boarding a public taxi and I wouldn’t be able to hear him, so the hour I was waiting for him to call me back, was filled with tears and hurt and “why”.
I have experienced relationship woes. Break-ups suck. But this, no, this is worse than any kind of break-up. When you are forced to be apart and you have no indication to when it will be over and you get your hopes up for things and they don’t happen, that ache is worse than any kind of ended relationship that I have ever experienced. This is an ache for someone that you very much love. Someone who you would love to be with, and just can’t at this time.
And I’m not going to sugar coat things and say that I am looking through the rain to see the rainbow or however that Dolly Parton quote goes (love her). There is a lot of rain, and I’m kind of just sitting in it, soaking in it. I wanted to flesh this all out for my mental sake. I wrote this out and didn’t know if I would post it, but I felt like I should because there are going to be a lot of questions. I have been pretty open about our process because I love sharing life with people and I love having others walk along in this journey with us, but it’s hard when the bad things happen. It’s hard to tell the same sad story over and over again. It’s hard to not have answers to questions that just make the tears come to your eyes again.
I haven’t posted on this blog in a while because I have been pretty busy with some other things, some exciting things, and I have honestly not had much to say or write about. I realized that I wasn’t loving writing about recipes and Friday Favorites. I mean, maybe every once in a while. But really what I wanted this blog to be is a outlet for my experiences, an encouragement for others who might be going through something somewhat related, or just for entertainment purposes because you can’t find anything else on the web to read about. Thanks 😉
So, at this point we are working on Plan B. We are working on trying to think through what is next. It’s confusing and as you can imagine there are a lot of details when you are living 8,000 miles apart, especially when your future is being decided by a little stamp in a passport from a government that doesn’t even really know your name or have any stock or concern in your situation.
Paul is a hard worker and he is loving and he is patient, and for that I am thankful. I know that I can trust him through this process to do what is right and level-headed, which is a dream considering where my mind goes in the wake of bad news (I tend to have a pretty heavy trigger finger) Now, does that mean that I’m smiling and I’m happy and I’m super excited about the added months apart? No. Does that mean that I am always the easiest and sweetest girlfriend ever? NO. I’m terrible sometimes. Really terrible. It’s moments like this that I see how much I need to grow and improve. But it does mean that we are growing in our trust and dedication to each other.
It’s hard sometimes for some people to relate and I get it. I understand that our relationship is a little unconventional and I have tried to make this as normal and un-dramatic (is that a word?) as possible. But sometimes you can’t normalize something, it just has to be what it is. I’m so super thankful for everyone that is walking with us in this and those who are just following along for support. We are not martyrs. We are not the only people in the world who have had to deal with uncertainty and frustration. I am tasting now what it means for so many people and couples and families who are dealing with the unknowns in life and I can only pray that I will find the strength and hope that they have displayed. But I’m not quite there yet. And I’m ok with being honest about that.
I haven’t really come to terms or felt a certain level of peace with the roadblocks that seem to keep popping up, or the plans that keep changing. I want to believe that this is only here to increase our faith or teach us some kind of lesson, but all that seems a little far off right now. I want to use these blog posts to give updates and share any hope that we are able to experience, and maybe encourage someone else who is struggling with different obstacles. Loneliness doesn’t have the theme of this song, and I am choosing to fight that feeling.
This visa weighs heavy on our hearts, minds, and plans right now. Some days it feels like we are having to pull a MAC truck around everywhere, but thankfully we both know that our future and identity as a couple and as individuals isn’t wrapped up in this stamp placed on a passport. It isn’t wrapped up in this stack of papers that could rival a dissertation. It’s so much more than that and comes from a very different place. The perspective that is given when you can take a step back from a situation is clarifying and rejuvenating. So here we are, ready to finish this marathon.
If you are new to our story you can find out how it all started in my post on our One Year Anniversary .